I don't know about other stay at home Moms but I hate this. I hate people assuming that I choose to stay home with my son because I'm lazy or unmotivated or uninspired. Somehow that I stay at home is something to be jealous of from working mothers? Something people look down upon in society?
Yes, I'm just a Mom... but I am also my own person.
I have likes and dislikes, I have goals and aspirations, I have needs that don't involve my child.
I am very conflicted on this subject.
To start off, my Son's journey in to this life was not planned. It was rough and unexpected and terrifying and exciting all at the same time.
After 24 hours of labour handling an extreme amount of pain with only minimal pain medication my Son made his way in to this world. Forceps left a mark on his perfect, soft little face. The moment I had him in my arms I was a Mom, and that's all that mattered.
I said something to my Mom when my little man was only a couple of months old. We were talking and the subject came up that my Mom couldn't imagine Mason not being there now.
In a moment of emotion I told my Mom that even though Mason wasn't planned it's like he had filled a hole in my heart that I didn't know was there. Nothing else could explain how I feel about this little boy than that statement.
Becoming a parent was nothing like anything we'd expected and like I mentioned in a previous post, it was the hardest thing I've done in my life, that WE have done.
For the first 19 months of Mason's life I breast fed him, which was the best decision I could have made. I miss it because it was just such a special moment between Mother and Son that we shared and I believe that it bonded us so much closer.
Once my Son had turned 1 and was eating "real" food and could go much longer without me being there to nurse him I wanted to go back to work; unfortunately things didn't pan out like I had planned or wanted it to.
When Mason was 15 months old I started work at the Edmonton Humane Society; it was one of my dream jobs to work at an animal shelter and I couldn't be more excited! Sadly, the schedules at the EHS are fixed and so you work the same days and same hours all the time and it doesn't change. We also only got a few sick days a year, which is extremely unreasonable for someone with children. Within my first 3 months of working there I had missed a weeks worth of work because I got REALLY sick (like running to the toilet every 15 minutes) and then Mason got sick so I had to stay home with him. Since I had missed so much work already in only my first few months working at the shelter they wouldn't let me take any more time off, even to bring my Son to get his 18 month vaccinations. Michael was leaving for the field for a month or so and there was no one else to watch my Son on the weekends so I had to quit.
My "stay at home" status isn't really a choice, it's a necessity. Child care in this city is ridiculously expensive (I was paying $800/month for PART TIME care for Mason), and half of my pay cheque was going to the day home.
Another realization came to me while I was working at the Humane Society and that was that I didn't want to miss ANY of my Son's firsts. I didn't want someone else molding my son in his first few years of life, I wanted him to be OURS and no one else's. I wanted his behaviour and his manners and his quirks to be from his parents and not some person that watched him while we were at work.
NOW I want to dispel the myth that I made the easy choice not to continue to work.
Being a stay at home Mom is extremely difficult and exhausting (mentally and physically) and frustrating and boring and busy. It can also be exciting and fun and amazing and rewarding and fantastic! Every day is different. Some days you can be on your feet all day running after your child while trying to get EVERYthing done: dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, playing, running, errands, teaching, bonding, healing, soothing.
Some days I love it and some days I want to run away and never come back.
I hate not being able to just go out whenever I want to, I hate that I can't just sit and read a book all day, I hate that I don't have a life of my own anymore, I hate that I can't just follow my dreams or go travel or find a new hobby whenever I feel the whim.
I feel horrible for feeling these things but then I realize that yes I'm a mother but that doesn't mean that I'm not myself anymore.
I matter.
It took me a long time to realize that even if I was tired, even if I was feeling like crap after a long day, that I still needed to do things that I enjoy. I still needed to go after my dreams and make goals and plan things that had absolutely nothing to do with my son.
I realized that if I didn't do these things that I would never be happy being "just a mom".
Now, for those of you that ARE happy just being a mother, good on you. It's just not for me.
That is one reason why I am SO FREAKING EXCITED to move back to BC in a year, and start school, and follow my dreams! To start a career of my own, finally, and be starting a journey that may not include my family but is FOR them.
Because if I'm not happy, then that is not good for my son. That is a lesson we all need to learn.
So no, I am not just a mom. I am a dreamer and a planner and a goal setter. I have plans outside of this house and they may not be immediate but they will happen.
I feel sorry sometimes for Women that give themselves up to their children and don't even remember what they used to enjoy before their bundles of joy entered the world.
Find yourself again... for your family and for yourself.
~Kayla and Mason
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